10 May Sex for New Dads

Published in The Independent 15th June 2006
The first and most important injunction during your partner’s pregnancy is not to go
out and have an affair. She feels too large, the baby is pressing on her bladder and
her heart is full of love and worry. The last thing she needs to know is that you want
to implant your seed next door. Alas, there is a spike in the adultery figures showing
that this is a prime time for males to stray.

The other salient facts about sex during pregnancy are these and given only as a
general guide. In the first trimester, expect to live with a vomiting nun. In the middle
trimester, she may well become that harlot your internal adolescent always longed to
meet. In the final trimester, expect to live with a vomiting nun.

In the middle trimester, she may well even become insatiable and break the long standing record for ‘status orgasmus’ which according to sex gurus Masters and Johnson stands at 43 uninterrupted seconds. Or – if you have an affair – she will
simply chop it off and watch you die.

Note that after the birth, the psychological shape of your relationship has completely
changed from couple to triple and your place in the pecking order is temporarily
Number Three. Repeat advice not to have affairs but learn to play patience and the
pink piccolo. Your partner will probably not want sex for a couple of months and it
will be longer if she breast feeds because the hormone prolactin will remain high.

Be especially prepared for one malicious twist – the absence of libido in both parties as
new Number One inflicts sleep torture at will. I have to say my youngest didn’t pass
an unbroken night until he was two.

Throughout the business of babymaking, remember the man occupies the relative
comfort zone. If she looks in the mirror a stranger stares back; you feel narked
because her knickers are nailed on.

Military strategy is your answer. Read Clausewitz’s famous sex manual “On War”. Particularly the chapter where the great German general says that to seize a fortress it is often wisest to offer a long sensuous massage with baby oil to the relevant parts first.