07 Jun Another night of rubbish sex?

7 June 2011, by Phillip Hodson
Evolution allowed you to have the wonderful sex that produced your kids. Now that same evolution is going to prevent much more sex, the fickle master that it is.

Sex made you a father but might just ruin your sex life. Photo by Lydia Shining Brightly

No one has ever properly explained the full impact on dads of the ideas of Charles Darwin. Though all is clear when you do. It goes like this:

Contrived to be born in an act of lust, your child’s sole purpose in life is now to prevent the production of a rival.

To this end, he or she possesses the most sophisticated libido-jamming equipment ever devised by any earthly species.

The evidence is clear.

First, if you silently try to kiss your partner or attempt a surreptitious grope, your small child will hurtle between you shrieking: “Leave my mummy alone!”

Second, if you secretly embark upon bedroom foreplay, scarcely daring to breathe as you reach for a nipple beneath a nightie, your action will automatically be played on to the radar screen of your child’s forebrain and before you can say “I’ve left the condoms in the bathroom” a pre-recorded voice will intone: “Want drink… Want drink… Want drink now!”

Third, if you lie under the duvet in the trigger posture for a wordless quickie, the bedroom door will be opened by the ghost of Mrs Mary Whitehouse (your child in the guise of a 20^th-century purity campaigner) announcing that they cannot fall asleep unless it’s between mum and dad as a human buffer zone for the rest of the night and until they reach puberty.

These are just three of the precautions your child’s DNA will take to turn Mr Hunk and Mrs Honey into yet another monk and nun.

So what three things can you do about it?

First, don’t keep your problem to yourselves. Consider gently sabotaging the love lives of your parents and in-laws by giving them the munchkins to stay with them as soon as practicable. Reassure your partner that this will not cause developmental abnormalities by offering bribes of excellent Sauvignon.

Second, re-train all wandering libido-killers to sleep in their appointed beds by returning them there with a small hug whenever they stray. You’ll need to grimly outlast the complaints. I don’t mean when they have a category three night trauma. Fair enough that they join mum and dad occasionally, but I strongly discourage night nomadism after the age of five.

Third, bear in mind that your partner may also have realised that sex can result in more babies. So sell the experience as the world’s best oral sex for her. And until she’s climaxed at least twice, resolve to keep your penis to yourself.